Sneaking off with Mom...

Despite the dipping temperatures (although it is no where near what I would like...I am a cold weather lover myself), I have been taking the kids to our local ice cream shop for a little sweet goodness. Just this last week we headed there at least 3 times, and I am not at all ashamed to say that it was at my request :)

The boys take their wondrous time looking at all of the tubs of creamy goodness, through the glass licking their lips. They get to pick whatever they want. Rafaella is patient, she knows she will share my cup.

Once they have picked and I have ordered we sit and enjoy our treats and we just talk. Sometimes the boys talk all at once, almost screaming, trying to say everything in their mind. Rafaella even starts in with her babytalk, and their voices echo through the parlor. I can't help but laugh the entire time.

It reminds me of those moments when my Mother used to take my brothers and I out for the afternoon. And what stays with me most were those occasions when she and I, alone, would sneak away to get something to eat and to chat. We'd tell my dad and brothers that we had an errand to run, and we'd find ourselves having lunch at a restaurant and not accomplishing much of anything but keeping our bellies full and our minds occupied with exchanged stories.

These days, when she comes here to visit from California, Greg just expects for us to make up an excuse to get out of the house, but he knows that we are at a local joint, stuffing our faces and cackling and gossiping.

How important those moments were...now looking back I know now that this was a way she kept connected with me. I remember at times I would just wonder *why* we had to do things together...what teen hasn't...

Now as a Mother, I can see that it has made all of the difference in the world.

There is more to life than simply increasing its speed - Ghandi

I have been thinking much of this lately...how the day is so rushed and when I finally take a look at the clock it is almost time for bed (for the rest of the family).

Finding meaning in what we do, day in and day out...is a stuggle sometimes, isn't it? We tend to get into this pattern of just doing and not feeling, of accepting monotony and the status quo, of almost stagnating.

The other spectrum is this clamor to achieve but to not really know why, of harboring competition but not really challenging ourselves and our motives, and sometimes encouraging a less friendly environment through it.

What do we do each day to find this middle ground, to ask more of ourselves, to live a simple life and cultivate a deeper soul?

I have been asking myself where I fall as a person in this spectrum. What is really important to me? What aspects of my life will satiate my dreams and needs?

Life is so short, I want to live it to its fullest, where I am, here where God has placed me.

Inspiration, move me brightly...

...because somedays, like today...my brain is on break and my creative spirit is playing hide and seek...

Since I am admitting my list addiction,

I might as well mention that I have a "thing" with coffee.

I have a soup Polish Pottery mug, which holds my usual 2 servings of java, sitting here next to the keyboard, steaming hot from it.

I nurse one while I cook dinner, and continue to reheat it until I finally consume it all, around 8 at night.

Ironically, despite the amount of coffee I consume, I am not much of a connoisseur. I couldn't tell you what the difference is between the different roasts. All I know is that I love my coffee hot, almost pale from milk and with 2 teaspoons of sugar.

Oh and frothy.

This is where my Senseo comes in. A perfect, frothy drink every time. For this un-gadgeted family, a stunning and wonderful realization and purchase.

Thanks Mom for turning us to the dark side.

Off to enjoy the rest of these few minutes to myself.

My name is Tif, and I am a listmaker

I make lists for each project I undertake.

On my google desktop, I have 3 lists: 1- Business 2- Family 3-Personal Craft Projects.

When I have a special event to plan, a list must be completed.

My husband is sent to the grocery store with a list. A list written from a list of meals for the coming week or 2.

I keep a notebook in my purse for the moment I feel I need to brainstorm a list.

And here I am blogging out a list.

It's a sickness really.

In the past, when I was younger, in College, my lists would be completed. To the "t". On my nursing shifts I compiled lists of repetetive tasks to be completed and they would be.

My lists these days, are feeling less love. They sit on the computer screen and wait for me to click them off. They call for me from my list notebook and sometimes at the end of the night all I can do is stare at them, and then to re-write them the next day.

These days, I list down "read 30 min", "write 30", "knit rafaella's pants 30 min" "cut fabric 30 min" "sew until one project completed ", just so I have somethings crossed out.

I guess this is what happens when life no longer revolves solely around oneself or with just a partner. My days no longer just involve me moving to my own agenda. And I guess this is what happens when I start to let go of trying to manage every minute, when I finally can breathe and just "go with the flow".

Is there such a thing for a true Virgo such as myself? I guess we will all just have to see.

Greg and I would not do well on the Amazing Race.

I am convinced.

Today Greg took the van to get serviced at a nearby city. 20 or so minutes after he left I received a phone call from him: my dear husband was lost and could not find his way out of the suburbs. Absolutely refusing to get out of the van and to ask someone for directions, he insisted I navigate him out.

Feeling such frenzy, knowing his phone battery was not charged (doh!), I searched for and found the map.

This should be easy... Greg and I are experienced travellers. We drove through and around Germany/France/Luxembourg/Belgium many many times over, not knowing the language, and going by our instincts. Road trips are our bag, really!

He mentioned the streets as he passed them, and I gave him directions on where to go...

T: Ok, now turn right at the next intersection
G: What?
T: Turn right when you get the next intersection
G: Are you sure? I don't think so!
T: Do you trust me? I am reading the map and you need to turn right
G: is that West?
T: Yes
G: Right?
T: Yes! Turn right!
G: Are you sure?
T: Do you have the map? I have the map and you need to do what I say!
G: I did turn right, but I don't think you're right!

Silence

G: oh, oh..now I know where we are...

Gah!

Greg and I decided that when it was time for us to apply the Amazing Race that we would not mention this incident.

Instead we will mention that my iron stomach can handle a few crickets and he is a master historian (good selling points, right)


p.s...he apologized by the way, numerous times, and with treats in hand.

Sure, it's not Dawson's Creek

...but Felicity will do!

I sampled the first disk of the first season via Netflix. I would have to say that its accurately depicted college angst properly got me through the sewing the tail end of a large wholesale order...culminating with 40 dozen wipes.



Don't get me wrong, Noel can never replace Pacey, but I definitly dig Felicity , and dare I say she has the potential of rivaling Joey.

I have promptly moved up the rest of the first season to the top of my queue. Time and sewing will surely tell.

The evolution of Mom.

Today I met the au pair of one of Greggy's classmates. She is a doll, very sweet, obviously attentive and M adores her. She asked me how old I was. She said I looked young.

She was surprised when I told her I was 31, and she thought I was more her age: 22 . I almost hugged her.

She asked me to coffee in the future, but I admitted to her that I couldn't guarantee time away. I am a full time mom with an Army husband. Therefore I don't have set schedules. I make child-free appointments weeks in advance, and hope my childcare options don't fail...otherwise I have three in tow.

Such a far cry from even 6 years ago, with none at my side, where Greg and I were so independent even from each other. I was so stubborn and anal; I rarely wanted to compromise. My job was my focus, and I was a workaholic...

Then came Gregory 5 years ago, where I adopted a perfectionist mother's attitude. As if I had control over the personality of this child. I was so idealistic, almost un-REAListic. And I was right., of course. Over everything, especially how my child should be raised, as how should others.

Cooper rocked my world 18 months later, challenging me with a completely opposite personality. I could not understand how my methods with Gregory did not work with the 2nd. Aren't they both my children? I started to learn to listen to my children. I allowed myself to stand back and to just Watch. and Trust.

Rafaella came 3 years later. My likeness. I see my face in her, and I have been knocked off my feet. Not only do I listen, and watch and trust, but I have learned that I can Close My Eyes and Use My Instincts. It will be alright.

Why it took me 6 years and 3 children to get me to today, I can never explain. Is it my age? I am surely busier now with the business than I ever was in the Army. Is it experience? Is it confidence? Or have I changed?

I hope it's for the better.

I really need to think over my schedule...

Here in our county, public schools have a special Monday schedule; teachers have inservices and students are given half the day off. When I arrived at Greggy's afternoon class line I was excited that we got there so early...after a few minutes of standing and smiling, I realized that there would be no line because his class had already started, and was in fact almost about to end.

Poor Greggy was so disappointed...he loves Kindergarten and his teacher, and with show and tell project in hand I led him back to the van (with the other 2 in tow), apologizing profusely.

While it doesn't seem much of a big deal, it was just another reminder that achieving balance doesn't necessarily mean just compartamentalizing tasks, or multitasking, or lists. It means taking care of yourself and your basic needs of food/water/sleep.

It is with that last component that I lack, really. I have placed a hard time of midnight for shutting down, but in my excitement to complete whatever task I am in, I push the envelope just a little bit. Then midnight turns to 1 am and Rafaella is up to nurse...and by the time things settle it is about 2 am.

All day I obsessed about tonight's timeline, and I am deciding to drink coffee in a few minutes, and will promptly shut off the computer at 11 pm.

There. I will be held accountable by cyberspace.

And in case you were wondering what was on the table to be finished last night:

*heart* - my children...

Today we visited some friends who just had their 2nd baby, a wee little one, a little boy who I got to hold...and at that moment I held him I realized how much bigger my children are.

Where has the time gone, that somehow I am five years older than when I was when I first held Greggy; goodness, Greg and I were just kids ourselves. I looked through my scrapbook tonight and was reminiscent...(though when am I not). Now my boys are in school, and Rafaella is growing to be such a little girl.

I wonder how I am doing as a parent. Each day brings its own surprises and what I thought was IT one day, is the OTHER the next. And then it is ANOTHER ONE the day after. Sometimes I think that all of this (parenthood, mentoring, teaching, loving) is just going so fast and furious. I think that the environment I am in contributes to it...bring the kids here, pick them up there etc etc ..

Tonight after the boys went to bed, I laid on the bed with Rafaella next to me...and when I held her the moment was absolutely perfect. 'twas heaven. All I have inside that I feel for her and for my children connects me to every aspect of my personal being as well as to the spiritual and metaphysical.

and then everything makes sense...even for that one second.

Goodnight...time for my coffee...

When the smallest things matter.

Rafaella is at that grand age of over 1. Over 1 going on 3. You know what I'm getting at right? With 2 older male siblings, she is probably the most rambunctious 14 month old I know, and I say that in the most Mother Bear sort of way. Watch out future suitors, because Rafaella won't need her brothers or Daddy taking care of her; she will in fact take care of herself. (mama says proudly)

This sweet and smart over 1 yr old has mastered the art of removing her cloth diapers. Hurray, I thought initially...she has been doing so when she is wet, and this is a good sign, no?

No...not when mama is not ready and she happens to not be "finished". To make this story short, her poor nursing pillow (the curved kind) was drenched with her kindness.

I washed the pillow first, and then reached for a new pillowcase, handmade by Holly. The pillowcase is made of flannel, super soft with the sweetest print.

Ahhh, it made me smile.

And Rafaella, well, she took to it quickly...

...and for now, things are quiet, and I can drink my coffee before the long night ahead...

Goodbye my sweet...*sniff*

I had to let you go. I know that I could have kept you, and I know that I can get more of you...but the fact of the matter is that you have been by my side for quite some time now. I had mini daydreams of you draping over my sweet Rafaella, or even made into something *gasp* for me...

But the time is right; it is fall and it is your prime...

Natural Suds = Love

I made it through my adolescent and young adult life with just wonderful skin. Face and Body...but at the advent of pregnancy and the my child-full life thereafter I found myself with not just dry scaly skin, but an acne prone face. And my once almost overconfident self came to a crashing realization that I would need to find a way to pamper and treat my skin.

I have found that the perfect combination for my face is Proactiv and Mineral Makeup (bare minerals and the like)...but for my body, I have learned to kick Bath & Body Works to the curb.

Over the years I have become quite a soap snob :). I crave uneven special bars made by hand with lye and oils and herbs. In the last five years, I cannot pass a soapmaker at a craft show/store without buying at least one bar.

Just to try. I say
More Soap? Greg always comments. You're such a girl. (he says this with much respect of course)

A special package came in the mail last week...soaps made by Amorette of the best ingredients. Soaps that were heavy, scent-ful and almost good enough to eat. They were rough cut, and I envisioned her kitchen table filled with magical bars.




They are absolutely delicious. They lather beautifully, and for this mama who loves her showers because it is one of her only times on her own...it is a luxury.

And my sensitive skin just adores them....yummm....

A picture is worth a thousand words.

This year begins my first of being the family taxi-driver. The One Who Bringeth the Children Everywhere. I think I get in the car to drive a minimum of four times a day, from having Greggy and Cooper in different schools...with opposite class schedules! Dear goodness, I have a long year ahead of me.

But just when I am about to hang my keys and curse this entire phase of our lives - and to think this is only the beginning! - something sweet and fulfilling comes about, and I am renewed.

A couple of weeks ago, I finally met dear Julia...a mama friend I only knew through Xanga...and with her budding, wonderful new Photography Business, we found a reason to get together. And she blessed us with her magic, sprinkled some pixie dust using her gracious eye and her fabulous camera...and an afternoon spent at a local farm turned into a lifetime of memories.

She sent me all of my proofs today, and what I saw was exactly what I needed to witness: a family growing, together.

These kids are mine. Good. Beautiful. Children. They came from God, and I carried, labored and bore them. And now they are their own personalities, they are all unique. But in their eyes, I see me, and I see Greg.

What an absolute honor.

Tap...Tap...is there anyone out there?

Hello Blogger :)

I'm still settling in, adding in some links and buttons. Sampling the interface, dusting a few corners, and finding room for my luggage.

I just didn't want another day to go by without me leaving just a footprint.

Much love,
A former xanga-girl